After overcoming the initial “shock and awe” of the headline that announced that Dick “Mad Dog” Cheney would be president for a few hours on Saturday while President Bush was undergoing a colonoscopy, I contemplated these events a bit further and wondered why the President didn’t turn over his powers to “Vice” on Friday.

Anyone who has been through this procedure knows that the day prior to the actual colonoscopy is much worse than the procedure itself.

No one, and I cannot emphasize this enough, no one should be allowed to make any decisions of even the most trivial sort, while undergoing the “prep” for a colonoscopy.

How might this be described delicately? “Purge,” a word that carries political meaning in one context, might be the best description for the “prep.”

The process of purging begins with the patient drinking a foul tasting liquid with an artificial flavor (cherry, orange or lime in most cases) in large quantities at small intervals. In some instances laxative pills are also part of the mix. The result is swift and strong, requiring lightning quick reaction time to get to the depository before detonation. One should never stray far from the facilities during this procedure.

The sheer repetition of the process is both mind numbing and extremely irritating to the rectal region. In Bush’s case it gives new significance to the term “sitting president.”

Given President Bush’s track record in decision-making under the best of conditions, one would not want to risk any decision-making during the festivities just described. There is no such thing as analysis, judgment, or nuance possible during this forced exit of all possible matter from the bowels.

This disruption from the eruption could put the entire world in danger. Even a day or two with “Vice” in charge is preferable to a president operating under these conditions of siege. When undergoing this ordeal, devised no doubt by the most sadistic members of the Inquisition torture rooms, one is often reminded of a punch line from an old joke:

“Rectum?”

“Hell, it nearly killed ‘em.”