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Voting for What Counts in Florida
I am voting by absentee ballot in Florida’s Seminole County this year. Those who remember the last presidential election may ask, "Why bother?" Fair enough. It’s a legitimate question, especially in light of September’s primary fiasco when Florida once again demonstrated that it might not be ready for democracy. The bizarre inability of Florida to conduct an election is, however, only part of the story. Compared to other states, I’m willing to bet there is more fun to be had with Florida’s absentee voting procedure and with the proposed constitutional amendments listed on the November ballot. Indeed, my promised absentee ballot never arrived in time for the primary (preventing me from participating in the unelection of Janet Reno for governor), so I confess I was a bit surprised to receive the ballot for the general election. But it did appear here in London, and I have sent it off to whatever its fate may be back home. It was not, however, the real ballot. According to a solemn letter I received, the ballot was really just a preliminary ballot sent in case the real one doesn’t make it. This information, or confession, inspires great confidence. I was instructed to send the preliminary ballot to the supervisor of elections, and, when the actual ballot comes, I should send it, too. If the supervisor of elections receives both ballots, the second ballot will take precedence over the first version and will be counted. The letter is quite emphatic on this matter. Oddly, nowhere does it say what will happen if the second ballot does not make it to Seminole County on time. Given the record of the Sunshine State on these matters, one can only wonder. Then there are the amendments to the state constitution, numbered 1 through 11. It seems quite natural in a state that shows it lacks the ability to count that number 5 should be missing from the list. There are amendments 1, 2, 3, 4, and then it jumps to 6, etc. I shouldn’t be too critical, though, as this is just a practice ballot; it will only become the real ballot if the moon is in correct position. Reading on, I am drawn to Amendment 10, which, of course, is only the ninth amendment. I didn’t really believe it the first time I read it, and I don’t dare try to paraphrase. So here it is: No. 10 Constitutional Amendment Article X, Section 19 For the record, let me state that it has always been my view that state constitutions that don’t protect pigs aren’t worth the parchment they are printed on, or even the placemat. But this is truly an amendment worth cherishing. And Amendment No. 10 is in serious company. Other amendments address issues like the death penalty, workplace second-hand smoke and education. Clearly you can see where pregnant pigs would fit in. But as I read more closely, my early interest and enthusiasm waned as several questions arose: Why only pregnant pigs? And just how do you tell when a pig is pregnant, anyway? What does federal law say about this? Isn’t the right to tether your pig guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution? Will Antonin Scalia have to divine the intent of the founding fathers on the subject of pigs, or at least pregnant pigs, to sort this all out? For surely, if it’s Florida-related, there will be court cases. If you can’t tether the pregnant pig and if you can’t confine a pregnant pig, what is to be done? Will pregnant pigs be allowed to run free in our streets? Will Al Qaeda recruit such swine as agents of terror? What does Rummy think? I must say my head is spinning as I contemplate these troublesome questions. Still, I think I will vote for this amendment, as it seems appropriate to me that a state like Florida would choose to address this issue. If nothing else, it shows the world that we may not be able to count to 10, but as for our pigs, well, rest assured they’re doing just fine. Richard C. Crepeau is a professor of history at the University of Central Florida in Orlando Related Sites
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