I M P R E S S I O N S

The Ashcroft Follies

A musical by Steven C. Day

ACT I

As our musical begins, it is the year 2000 and our “hero” is facing his darkest hour. Defeated in his bid for reelection by the deceased Mel Carnahan, John Ashcroft’s political life lies in ruins and his future looks bleak. But fate is about to take a hand. Summoned to Texas, Ashcroft glumly enters the front door of George W. Bush’s ranch house. To his surprise, waiting inside is the entire membership of Bush’s world famous disco band — George and the Ws.

Bush himself is decked out in an Uncle Sam costume, while the Ws — six long-legged beauties — are sporting red, white and blue micro-miniskirts with halter tops. They begin to sing:

IT”S FUN TO BE THE ATTORNEY GENERAL
(To the music of “YMCA” by the Village People)

Johnny, there’s no need to feel down.
I said, Johnny, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, Johnny, “cause a dead man beat you
There’s no reason to be blue.

Sadly, even as he receives this wonderful news, Ashcroft’s problems are only just beginning. As his confirmation hearing approaches, a number of Democratic senators have the audacity to suggest that he may be unsuited to the office of attorney general merely because his political philosophy is eerily reminiscent of that of Benito Mussolini. The tawdry partisanship reflected by such petty concerns is quickly noted by the unbiased punditry of such journalistic giants as Fox News. Still, it presents Ashcroft with a practical problem.

His solution, as brilliant as it is deceptive, is to reinvent himself as a moderate. Thus, in his testimony before the Judiciary Committee, seldom is heard a right-leaning word. “I well understand that the role of the attorney general is to enforce the law as it is, not as I would have it,” he assures his former colleagues. But later, in a private meeting with the Republican caucus, he lets his conservative pride show and breaks into song:

THERE”S NO WING LIKE THE RIGHT WING
(To the music of “There’s No Business Like Show Business’ by Irving Berlin)

There’s no wing like the right wing
At telling you what to do.
Anything that you find appealing;
We will tell you God does not allow.
Unless your passion is gun dealing
We’ll expose your sinfulness somehow.

There’s no people like right wing people.
We smile before we attack.
On the joys of freedom we will effuse
Especially that of corporations to abuse.
Though for other freedoms we have little use.

[At this point the entire Republican caucus stands and joins in the rousing concluding verse]

Let’s go back to 1901!
Let’s go back to 1901!

Confirmed by a narrow margin, Ashcroft is soon on the job at the Justice Department, fighting to make the world safe for the NRA. Then, on Sept. 11, everything, as they say, changes. Suddenly, he finds himself at the very center of the storm — a general in the war on terrorism. Naturally, his first order of business is to move to silence all opposition.

ACT II

Gaveling the hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee to order, the chairman invites the attorney general to make his opening remarks. Ashcroft begins to sing, as everyone else in the room sways from side to side in time with the music:

WHAT YOUR GOVERNMENT NEEDS IS LOVE
(To the music of “What the World Needs Now is Love” by Burt Bacharach and Hal Davis)

What your government needs now
Is love, sweet love
That’s the only thing
A good citizen should be speaking of

What your government needs now
Is love, sweet love
Not for bureaucrats
But for Bush above.

A few months later, the progressive caucus holds a secret meeting deep within the bowels of the Capitol building. The topic is John Ashcroft.

“He’s starting to scare the hell out of me,” whispers one of the congressmen. “He seems to have no respect at all for civil liberties.”

“Starting to?” one of the two senators present interrupts. “He’s always scared the heebie-jeebies out of me. Does everyone else feel the same way?”

“I’ll tell you how I feel,” one handsome young congressman announces in a loud voice:

JOHN ASHCROFT IS A BULLDOG
(from “Joy to The World” by Three Dog Night)

John Ashcroft is a bulldog
Never been a friend of mine
There’s something ruthless “bout every word he says
But I guess these days folks think that’s fine
At least they act like they really don’t mind
Singin” . . .

But there is a very different outlook among Ashcroft’s inner circle. As it happens, at this very moment he’s being honored by the ultraconservative legal fraternity The Federalist Society. For the musical climax, Kenneth Starr, the former Clinton special prosecutor, leads the gathering in a rousing tribute to the attorney general:

GOD BLESS JOHN ASHCROFT
(from the music of “God Bless America” by Irvin Berlin)

While terrorists plotted from across the sea,
He moved resources to fight pornography,
Though he didn’t stop Osama’s homicide
He did fight against assisted suicide.

As the show ends, Ashcroft, dressed in full military garb, walks onto the stage and declares: “All of these people have been designated as enemy combatants by the president.” 

The actors are quickly rounded up and whisked away in five black cars, leaving an empty stage.

The curtain falls to thunderous applause.

THE END

P o p  F o r u m
Discuss. Debate.

Steven C. Day is an attorney practicing in Wichita, Kansas. His previous columns can be found here.

Related Sites
Interested in hearing John Ashcroft sing? Click here. But keep in mind that his staff is not impressed.
From Late Show with David Letterman, the "Top 10 Reasons John Ashcroft Would Not Sing On Our Show."