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A TV Show Called Hope
Editor’s note: The L.A. Times revealed last week that Bill Clinton might be interested in hosting an "Oprah-style" talk show, making it apparent that the former president is ready to trade-in White House approval ratings for Nielsen ratings. According to sources who attended the meeting between Clinton and NBC executives, the following is a transcript of how a future episode might look.
The joyous sounds of a gospel choir singing an Oprah-esque “Right on!” are heard over a montage of New York City street scenes featuring our host and former president, Bill Clinton. Clinton bounds out of an office building, receiving an approving thumbs-up from the doorman; at a corner vendor, Bill bites into a hotdog, making sure not spill any of the copious amounts of toppings onto his suit; Bill wails on his sax in Central Park; Bill gets out of a cab and heads into the NBC studios, once again getting a thumbs up from his cab driver, as we fade into a shot of the talk show set backdrop, emblazoned with the show’s title written in cursive script, A Place Called Hope.
[Clinton comes running down the center aisle, giving high fives to the raucous audience members. He leaps onto the stage where a glum teenage girl is occupying one of three chairs positioned behind Clinton. The ex-president casually sits atop a stool, evoking the image of the "Town-Hall" debater that woo-ed the country in 1992.] [Clinton pauses. Lower lip pressing hard against his upper lip, his mouth curls into an upside down "U." HE brings his hand up to his heart.] [The audience cheers Clinton's benevolence.] CLINTON: That’s right. She’ll never have to take her clothes off in public again. ” Now let’s see whose life I can make better today. [Clinton gets off the stool and turns his attention to the young girl behind him.] [Audience cheers again, throwing in a couple of "whoops" for good measure.] CLINTON: First of all Betty Lou, I want to remind all guests that I was commander-in-chief for eight years and believe I deserve all of the respect that office bestows upon it’s occupants, so please refer to me as Mr. President. Secondly, have we got a surprise for you! You’re hoochie Mama is backstage and has heard everything you said! Come on out here, Roxanne! [An overweight, middle-age woman struts out on stage wearing a tube top, miniskirt and high heels to the deafening whoops and hollers of the studio audience. Roxanne takes her seat.] CLINTON: Hey, call me Mr. Prez, Roxanne. I see a beautiful woman here who is not afraid to share her ample bosom with this wonderful country, Betty Lou. Why be angry? ROXANNE: You know it, Mr. Prez. No matter what I wear, she’s angry with me. CLINTON: I do know what you mean, Roxanne. I’ve been there. Chelsea wouldn’t talk to me for a week when I told the world I wear boxers. BETTY LOU: Gross. ROXANNE: Show some respect! CLINTON: Ladies, I spent eight years making the lives of every single American better than they ever had been. The country was a virtual paradise under my administration, remember that? Well, I’m gonna use all my powers to help the two of you today. Roxanne, we are going to give you "A Place Called Hope" make-over!! [Audience cheers, whoops and starts a short-lived, but spirited "Bubba" chant.] [Carville walks out waving to the crowd and takes a seat next to Roxanne.] CARVILLE: I got my work cut out for me today, Mr. President. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey, Mr. President I have a question! [Clinton brings the microphone over to a person in the third row.] AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah, maybe that guy is the one who needs the makeover. He looks like one of those aliens from Close Encounters! CLINTON: [SQUINTS EYES] Hey, you’re right! Carville, say "Take me to your leader"! CARVILLE: Let me tell you who should be saying that! Every American voter should be saying that after this sham of a Supreme Court stole this election from our true leader, Al Gore. CLINTON: Al who? BETTY LOU: Hey, what about my Mama? CLINTON: Yeah, Carville. What can we do to make Roxanne more sexy? BETTY LOU: LESS sexy! CARVILLE: Less? I think we’ve already hit rock bottom, sweetheart. I think I’m beginning to understand the whole concept of the burqa. [More whoops, hollers and cheers.] ROXANNE: Really? CARVILLE: Yeah. And we have to get you out of whatever trailer park you’re in and get you into a place on the Upper West Side, get a kind of a Sex in the City thing going for you. BETTY LOU: Mr. President, what is this guy talking about?? ROXANNE: Hush, Betty Lou, the man is talking. BETTY LOU: You (beep)-ing (beep)! I hate you!!!! [Betty Lou takes a swing at Roxanne, who counters by grabbing a fistful of hair. Chairs topple over, Carville ducks for cover.] [Secret Service, in dark suits and sunglasses, swarm the stage to quell the melee. Two make their way to Clinton, shielding the Former-president from the chaos that has exploded around him. Wedged in-between the men, Clinton signs off.] [Audience cheers, whoops, chants "Bubba" and lets out a couple of whistles.] Joe Harras is a freelance writer who, when he’s not a occupying a cubicle in Lower Manhattan, lives in Brooklyn. He doesn’t like Pina Coladas yet he does like getting caught in the rain. Related Sites |
