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by Paul Kangas
After registering on the Web for more than $14,000 worth of wedding booty, former House speaker Newt Gingrich, 56, and his intended bride, 34-year-old House staffer Callista Bisek, have been getting gifts from some very unwelcome places. On Monday, Bob Mulholland, a campaign consultant to the California Democratic Party, ordered from Williams-Sonoma.com a set of six dishcloths (total cost, including shipping and handling: $12.84) and sent them off along with a note: "Newt: here’s a set of dishcloths to clean up the mess with your 2nd wife. Callista: in 5 years, he’ll be w/another younger woman - that’s his pattern." Whether you’re shopping for a college friend or the former speaker of the House, a couple’s registry can be fascinating in its mundaneness. All sorts of things can be gleaned about the registrars’ personalities by looking at what their ideal home would contain. Have they chosen expensive china in a god-awful pattern? How serious are they about barware? Have they registered at Target? Other questions present themselves in the particular case of Newt and Callista. For example, what is to be made of the fact that they’re registering for enough items to start a household from scratch? Perhaps Marianne, Newt’s most recent ex-wife, took all the pots and pans. Scrolling down the registry, it looks like she also took the crystal. And the china. The poor guy was left without even a citrus zester. Another question: who picked out all these items, and who plans to use them? Are Newt and Callista accomplished cooks, or do they hope to be one day? Perhaps Newt always meant to take up cooking as a hobby and can finally do it now that he no longer goes to as many fundraisers and receptions after work. Back to the business of purchasing gifts, though. Certainly most members of the general public can find better things to do with their money than to buy a ceramic mixing bowl for the former speaker. While some might want to have their fun and get the couple a gift off the registry - say, a subscription to The New Republic or a pair of edible underwear for the honeymoon - only the most committed supporters will want to purchase something that the couple actually wants. That is, unless the gift giver takes a page from Bob Mulholland’s book and sends a nasty little note along with the dishcloths. Still, how does Mr. Mulholland reconcile himself to the fact that they wanted those dishcloths in the first place? And more importantly, is anything left on the registry that can be purchased by friend or foe - and can be had for as little as the $12.84 that Mr. Mulholland spent? The answer, thank goodness, is: yes. There are still lots of inexpensive, practical items needed by the future Mr. and Mrs. Gingrich to make their home complete. (Lots of expensive ones, too, but we’ll leave those for the lobbyists). And while the entire registry for the Aug. 18 wedding can be viewed by visiting Williams-Sonoma or Macy’s, here are a few highlights for those who are ready to start contributing to the dream home in McLean, Va. that Newt and Callista are putting together one click of the mouse at a time. Shop at Macys: , $219.00 (quantity requested 2, quantity purchased 0)
Can’t you just imagine Newt carving a steaming Thanksgiving turkey as it rests securely on this fine platter? With the Macy’s registry, John Q. Public can now be a part of the Gingrich family’s holiday season for years to come. Incidentally, a gravy boat is also available for purchase. E
Waterford West Hampton Beer Stein, $99.00 (quantity requested 12, quantity purchased 0) Newt is clearly a serious beer drinker, and he evidently imagines having some parties. Maybe even keggers. For some reason beer does not seem to go well with Waterford crystal, but who knows? Might make the Old Milwaukee taste better.
Waterford Lismore Ice Bucket, $198.00 (quantity requested 1, quantity purchased 0) PopShot more marriage stats >>> Seems like a lot to pay for an ice bucket, but it’s bound to be nice. One wonders if their refrigerator will have an icemaker or if Newt will have to run to the store for a bag before parties. There’s just no way they’ll be using the plastic trays.
Ralph Lauren Estate Sateen King Fitted Sheet, Sand Dune, $59.99 (quantity requested 1, quantity purchased 0)
So they’ll have a king-size bed ” that’s good. Newt looks like he may be a snorer, and maybe even a cover hog. Sand Dune is a nice, neutral color, sure to match any d”cor.
Ralph Lauren Avenue Tub Mat White, $24.99 (quantity requested 4, quantity purchased 0)
It would be interesting to know how many baths the Gingrich house will have. If it’s four, they should probably have requested a few extras for those days when the bath mats need washing. , 12 Cup, $26.00 (quantity requested 1, quantity purchased 0)
Sure, many people are tempted to register for a bundt cake pan, but how many times does anyone actually bake a bundt cake? Certainly not more than once a year, tops. It’s hard to imagine either Newt or Callista need this, but it’s still available for purchase. At least they will think of that person who bought it once a year, and also whenever they’re feeling like they never should have registered for the bundt cake pan. Professional Nonstick Cake Pan, Round, 9
If the newlyweds are in a baking mood they’re much more likely to use this gift. The pan is of the traditional variety used to make birthday cakes, so chances are they may use this twice a year. More if the happy union produces little ones! The curious thing, though, is that they’ve only registered for one pan. A decent birthday cake requires two pans like this, and they have most definitely only asked for one. Newt and Callista either made a mistake here, or they don’t know how to bake a birthday cake.
Wonder what they plan to do with this? Probably banana bread. Newt seems like he is the banana bread type, doesn’t he? Probably with walnuts.
Williams-Sonoma Kitchen Library: Volumes on
While all these books have already been purchased for the couple, it makes one wonder which one they’ll be using most, or if they’ll be using them at all. Callista will probably turn to the Healthy Cooking volume, at least at the beginning, and there will probably be one or two good recipes. Most are likely to be too much trouble, though, as the recipes in those books always are. And if both of them keep working they probably won’t feel like cooking when they get home. Newt will go for the pizza book first, and then the grilling one. He surely already knows how to barbecue, though, so they probably shouldn’t have registered for the grilling book.
They could find this much cheaper at the grocery store and probably won’t ever use it. Hopefully they will, though, because Salmonella and e.Coli are not fun. They will thank the kind soul who makes this unromantic but necessary purchase.
This spoon looks perfect for Callista when she wants to playfully tap Newt on the rear end when he’s making a nuisance of himself in the kitchen. Lucky is the person they think of fondly every time they engage in this lighthearted horseplay!
Someone got them an extra one of these, meaning either Newt or Callista or perhaps both will have to make the trip to Williams-Sonoma to return one. What a pain. And is it possible that Newt is a tea drinker? Probably not - Callista seems the much likelier suspect.
Like the bundt pan, this probably won’t get a lot of mileage. Could their subconsciousness have made them register for this in the hopes that life will now be like the proverbial "bowl of cherries?" It certainly gives one pause.
No doubt to be put to use when the high-powered lobbyists come over.
This is the kind Bob Mulholland bought. For those who may purchase the last two sets, do try to come up with a different note for the happy couple! From the Marriage Issue |
